Mommyhood

So I'm a mom. Even the word terrifies me and excites me all at the same time. How is it they allowed me to take this child home from the hospital?  I keep waiting for them to come pick her up. Someone screwed up somewhere that's all I can say.

So my journey to become this bitchy mommy was not an easy one.  It was easy compared to some so for that I am grateful.  When you are trying to get pregnant life becomes this obsession ... a baby obsession. Everything you do or don't do revolves around getting pregnant. You wake in the morning and you take your temperature, you have to cut back on caffeine, there are certain foods you shouldn't eat and some you should, you have to have sex a certain way on certain days and sometimes "special" products are suggested. It sounds romantic doesn't it? All of this insanity to have a child in your belly for 9 months. 9 months of bloating, weight gain, swollen ankles and stretch marks. I won't even go in to what happens to the vagina.  I miss my pre baby vagina, I hope she's doing well and I wish she would send me a postcard once in a while.  On top of all of that I got gestational diabetes I guess coldstones cake batter with double oreo and double m&m's will do that to you. My m&m obsession was so bad I had to have 3 m&m's per bite. It got so bad I bought my own big bag of m&m's because coldstone could never get it right.

 Sophia was born July 20th at 2:37 am...after a day of labor and an hour and a half of hard pushing this 8 lb 8 oz came rushing out into the world. No one prepares you for childbirth. They may try but really you have no idea until you go through it. Do you know they will cut your vagina if your damn kids head is too big?? Do you know that afterwards you have to watch the dr sew your vagina back up like he is tailoring a suit?? She had some complications so she was in the NICU for 10 days. 10 days of misery as you watch other people feed and bathe her.  It was horrible but nothing prepared us for her coming home.  She was perfect for a couple of days then the devil took over her body and she proceeded to scream and scream and SCREAM. Only between the hours of 10 and 2 or as I called it the shit shift. She would fall asleep in your arms then when you tried to put her down she would scream. This must have been the time in my life when I was a kid that my mom introduced me to dimatapp. My mouth still waters whenever I see that grape syrup.

So now I have a baby that likes to be up late at night ( a trait she gets from me), I'm tired, I don't have time to shower and I have developed strange eating and sleeping habits. Do you know that you can eat practically any meal in 3 bites? That's all I have time for before she starts screaming.  My husband says to me the other day "babe you look like a new mom" What the hell kind of compliment is that. So what you are saying is I'm a big ole mess and my ass is still huge? Yeah that's pretty much what he meant. Asshole and he wonders why I keep trying to smother him in his sleep. So in the middle of all of this baby business I'm trying to figure out who I am. I'm a mom....a wife....and a daughter. So what do I focus on? What is the most important thing for me to be? I know there is a balance somewhere in all of this but how do I find it? And when do I make time for me and to do the things I enjoy? Is all of that over now? Do I do all that when the baby falls asleep at 2 am? I want more than anything to be an amazing mom but I don't want to lose out on the other things as well. I don't want to be a bad wife or a horrible daughter.  So everyday is a challenge and a gift and I hope that at the end of the day I am amazing in everything I do....or at least decent. Right now I will settle with decent.