For the love of poop!!

So in talking to my wonderful and extremely handsome friend James S. yesterday I realized that there was a very important topic that I have yet to discuss. Men and poop.

I know there are certain things that men do that I appreciate it that I don't want to do. If it was up to me to mow the lawn we would look like a bad episode of Hoarders and they would have to bring in a search team just to find the front door.  In turn I cook and do the laundry. But there is one thing I don't understand.  I'm not quite sure what the fascination is men have with their poop. They love to poop and they love to talk about poop. They poop take pictures and send them to their friends! They love to fart and to fart on you. YET when it comes to changing a diaper that has poop in it suddenly poop is their mortal enemy.  I can't tell you how many times the hubby has taken Sophia into her room only to start yelling for me and the phrase he uses "babe hurry there's a problem". This is never a phrase you should say to a new mother. I drop everything and go running in there expecting to find her turning blue or choking on something instead I find my husband across the room curled in the fetal position holding up a cross while saying his hail mary's. Ok maybe I'm exaggerating a tad but that's what he acts like. So being the supermom I am I glove up and dive in. Now I'm not gonna lie this kid can poop. She gets that from her dad obviously. Her poop is not pretty and she loves to wait while your changing her and unleash some more. As I'm changing her in my full hazmat gear my husband is standing in the hallway dry heaving. This is the same man who on the first night we spent together he farted and threw the covers over my head. Nothing says love like a dutch oven.

So this is what I don't understand. What is it about a baby's poop that terrifies men?  Why is it he could witness our child being shot out of my vagina like a cannon but he cannot handle changing a diaper that has a little bit of poop in it. This is a mystery that will plague me for rest of my life. Yet this is the same man who I'm thoroughly convinced that if he could get away with wearing a diaper and pooping in it he would. So the poop mystery will continue to mystify me. I will never understand it poop is poop and if they kid could wipe her own ass I'm sure she would. Until then I will not be allowed to leave the house in fear of coming home and finding Sophia sitting in the backyard while he hoses her ass down. I hope she knows how much I have her back....literally.

Introducing....my fat ass

So let's talk about this damn baby weight thing. Holy sh*t!! Being pregnant I gained almost 60 lbs. Yes 60 freakin pounds!! I had gestational diabetes and I'm not gonna lie my love for ice cream overtook any and all rational thoughts I had about eating healthy. Now me like many women I'm sure thought that when I got pregnant I was going to eat healthy and walk and take care of me and my baby but yeah that didn't happen. I was to damn exhausted to walk anywhere unless it was to go to the fridge to get some more ice cream. I couldn't even fathom walking, yoga and or anything that resembled moving a body part. I just wanted to sit on the couch and sleep. Yes I took being a couch potato to a whole other level. So my ass slowly started to get bigger and I kept looking in the mirror thinking what the hell is that thing back there. It was my ass and I guess that it had a friend move in because it had gotten HUGE! Now that Sophia has been born I know have the joy of trying to lose it.

Here is part of my problem I used to be heavy. About 250 lbs and I was miserable. I was embarrassed and I honestly didn't even want to leave my house. I didn't have that confidence in myself so I lost a 100lbs to good ole Fen Phen (damn you dr's for taking that off the market) so for me gaining weight is a crush to my soul. Now I know many women who love their bodies regardless of their weight from a 100 lbs to 300 and I wish I had that confidence. I wish that I felt that I was beautiful no matter what my weight was but I just don't feel comfortable. I know that what you look on the outside doesn't reflect who you are on the inside but I ain't gonna lie my insides aren't that beautiful. I'm not called the bitchy mommy for nothin. So weight has been and always will be a struggle for me.

Sooooo I'm on a journey to get my old ass back. I lost 40 lbs of water weight the first week after I delivered Sophia. 40 lbs can you imagine that. How does one person's body hold so much damn water!!!So I decided to change my lifestyle. I'm not dieting I'm changing the way I live because I love mcdonalds. I LOVE round table pizza and I HATE cooking. It's lack of experience in the kitchen. I don't know what the hell I'm doing. So for the past month I have been eating healthy. Low fat, tryin to keep the carbs down and eating more fruit and veggies. I've lost 10 lbs so far so I have 10 more until I hit my pre pregnancy weight but I'm not stopping there. I have been hitting the elliptical every day which is hard for me because lord knows I hate cardio!! No I really really hate cardio. Being a new mom I really don't have a lot of time but I promised myself to take that little bit out of my day for me to do something for myself. I need that. ALL mommies need that and we should do it more often but we don't. We become so wrapped up in our kids and husbands that we forget to do things for ourselves. I refused to do that I need that time to get something done for me or else I would go nutso.

So I'm pushing myself harder everyday so far I haven't seen a damn result. In fact I'm not even sure where the 10 lbs I lost came from. So my goal is to eat healthy not to diet, to be a good role model for Sophia and to lose this damn fat ass of mine.  It's either her or me and I won't let this fat ass win!!

On a serious note...

Ok fellow bitches hope you are all having an amazing weekend! So I thought for just a minute I would get serious on something that is rather important to me. The equality of human rights.....this is where I might lose some people but lets go for it anyway.

This is the year 2010 (Right I didn't miss a year did I?) and it astounds me that even now we do not consider people equal. Men and women in the gay community are not allowed to marry whoever they choose. This pisses me off!! Look regardless if you agree with it or not you have to agree that people should be treated equally and that they have just as much right as you or I to marry whomever they choose. So because your religion states that it's wrong then it must be law. We don't live in that time anymore people.  Your religion doesn't dictate my world.....your beliefs don't tell me how I should live my day.  I'm not going to say what you choose to believe is wrong...it's wrong for me but maybe it isn't for you. So I would expect that same courtesy.  I don't want to hear that they are destroying the word marriage.  Wake up people you know who is destroying marriage it's us heterosexuals! We have been the ones allowed to get married and we have been the one's who have cheated, and lied and have gotten divorced. (myself included) The gay community would probably bring back the sanctity of marriage because they have been denied it for so long it would be a hell of a lot more special to them than it is to us.  I'm sorry that you think they will go to hell for who they love because if I recall God is all about love. Loving your neighbor....hate crimes against them is not loving them. I believe God created us all in his image right? So he created you in his image but not them? It's disgusting to me and I honestly don't understand why this is still an issue.
Someone once said to me what would you do if Sophia was gay? lmao really? You know what I would do I would be so proud of her because she would be honest with who she is. PERIOD!! I have told her on several occassions and will continue to tell her until the day I die. I don't care who you love just make sure you love them deeply and make sure they love you back just as much.  I refuse to put up with discrimination and I will NOT have that around my child. I will raise her as I was raised we are all equal.  We are all put on this earth to live happily and to make mistakes but we are not put on this earth to judge people and to prevent them from loving and from being who they are.
I am not trying to change anyone's mind, but I'm venting about something that angers me very deeply. I know one day this wll no longer be an issue I just hope it happens soon.I wish the people who believed so strongly against it would take religion out of it and look at it from a human rights point of view. Religion is religion it needs to stay in the church and out of our schools and government. This is a perfect reason why.  I will raise my daughter to know that EVERYONE is equal and EVERYONE deserves the same treatment. I just wish more people would raise their children encouraging love instead of hate. Then maybe we wouldn't have half the problems we do.

Vent over.....

The husband

Ok I'm going to talk about the  man who sleeps in the bed next to me and who snores loud enough to terrify small children.


Husbands are nice to have around....they are not needed, millions of women around the world raise children by themselves (and men do it too so don't think I'm neglecting the single parent dads)but they come in handy. Look without my husband I would never be able to open that jar of pickles or would I be able to reach that pan on the top shelf. How it got up there in the first place is beyond me.  The man in my life is the complete opposite than me. He's sane, grounded, rational, level headed, even tempered and the guy is normal. What the hell he is doing with me is beyond me. Now no matter how much I adore the guy he does some shit that makes me makes me consider tossing him off the nearest bridge when his back is turned.  For whatever the reason the man cannot for the life of him close the cupboard doors so in the middle of the night as I stumbling to get Sophia her formula I smack my head and end up on the floor in a small coma. Also when the man gets undressed at night his pants end up on the floor like little pant dead bodies scattered everywhere. When I do laundry I ask him for all of his dirty clothes and he insists they are all in the basket so I do the laundry only to walk into the closet the next day to find the basket half full and he claims he just found them. How do you just find dirty laundry?? Did he go on a trip in the middle of the night I'm unaware of?? These are just a few of the things that he does that makes me insane. JUST A FEW!

Now understand I know that I'm not perfect. I drive him nuts with my diet cokes laying around the house and my obsession with tv. Sometimes I'm snappy (shocking right?) and sometimes I'm a little too vocal about what I believe (again shocking right?)  But in the middle of our little quirks we somehow  manage to not kill each other. I mean I tried. One night a couple of months before we got married I hit him with my car. No I take that back I pinned him between the back of my tacoma and the side of his tundra. PINNED HIM! After a trip to the emergency room and a pharmacy run to get some vicodin he is now afraid to get within a 10 mile radus of me if I'm in the car and he isn't.  I apologized but I don't think that he forgave me for a while. He did use the accident to receive blow jobs for a while. Asshole.

So I guess what I'm saying is that my husbands a jackass and I'm a bitch and somehow we came together to have this completely insane life together.  We have a beautiful home, a houseful of crazy dogs and a beautiful baby and I consider myself very lucky to have found him. I love him and for some insane reason he loves me  (I'm still trying to figure this one out) and I couldn't imagine life without him. However the next time he leaves his pants on the floor I might have to ask him to step behind my car again so I can finish the job....properly and with no witnesses. 

Mommyhood

So I'm a mom. Even the word terrifies me and excites me all at the same time. How is it they allowed me to take this child home from the hospital?  I keep waiting for them to come pick her up. Someone screwed up somewhere that's all I can say.

So my journey to become this bitchy mommy was not an easy one.  It was easy compared to some so for that I am grateful.  When you are trying to get pregnant life becomes this obsession ... a baby obsession. Everything you do or don't do revolves around getting pregnant. You wake in the morning and you take your temperature, you have to cut back on caffeine, there are certain foods you shouldn't eat and some you should, you have to have sex a certain way on certain days and sometimes "special" products are suggested. It sounds romantic doesn't it? All of this insanity to have a child in your belly for 9 months. 9 months of bloating, weight gain, swollen ankles and stretch marks. I won't even go in to what happens to the vagina.  I miss my pre baby vagina, I hope she's doing well and I wish she would send me a postcard once in a while.  On top of all of that I got gestational diabetes I guess coldstones cake batter with double oreo and double m&m's will do that to you. My m&m obsession was so bad I had to have 3 m&m's per bite. It got so bad I bought my own big bag of m&m's because coldstone could never get it right.

 Sophia was born July 20th at 2:37 am...after a day of labor and an hour and a half of hard pushing this 8 lb 8 oz came rushing out into the world. No one prepares you for childbirth. They may try but really you have no idea until you go through it. Do you know they will cut your vagina if your damn kids head is too big?? Do you know that afterwards you have to watch the dr sew your vagina back up like he is tailoring a suit?? She had some complications so she was in the NICU for 10 days. 10 days of misery as you watch other people feed and bathe her.  It was horrible but nothing prepared us for her coming home.  She was perfect for a couple of days then the devil took over her body and she proceeded to scream and scream and SCREAM. Only between the hours of 10 and 2 or as I called it the shit shift. She would fall asleep in your arms then when you tried to put her down she would scream. This must have been the time in my life when I was a kid that my mom introduced me to dimatapp. My mouth still waters whenever I see that grape syrup.

So now I have a baby that likes to be up late at night ( a trait she gets from me), I'm tired, I don't have time to shower and I have developed strange eating and sleeping habits. Do you know that you can eat practically any meal in 3 bites? That's all I have time for before she starts screaming.  My husband says to me the other day "babe you look like a new mom" What the hell kind of compliment is that. So what you are saying is I'm a big ole mess and my ass is still huge? Yeah that's pretty much what he meant. Asshole and he wonders why I keep trying to smother him in his sleep. So in the middle of all of this baby business I'm trying to figure out who I am. I'm a mom....a wife....and a daughter. So what do I focus on? What is the most important thing for me to be? I know there is a balance somewhere in all of this but how do I find it? And when do I make time for me and to do the things I enjoy? Is all of that over now? Do I do all that when the baby falls asleep at 2 am? I want more than anything to be an amazing mom but I don't want to lose out on the other things as well. I don't want to be a bad wife or a horrible daughter.  So everyday is a challenge and a gift and I hope that at the end of the day I am amazing in everything I do....or at least decent. Right now I will settle with decent.

And here we go......

I'm going to start off by introducing myself. Most of you will probably already know me, if you don't how the hell did you find yourself on this page?
I'm a new mom which means I'm sleep deprived  and I have an extra 10 lbs sitting on my ass. I'm newly married it will be 2 years in October so I think I'm technically still in the honeymoon period however I think we left the honeymoon back in Hawaii. I have an amazing husband....he's amazing because he puts up with me on a daily basis and he's amazing because he has managed to last this long without me killing him. Even though I tried! We will save that story for a later date. I have 3 dogs which are completely untrained and pretty much run this house. I work from home which means I lack human contact and I'm excited when the UPS guy drops something off. He now throws the package at the door without even slowing down. I'm addicted to crappy tv and if I could find a job as a tv and movie critic I would not only be the happiest woman in the world I would also weight 500 lbs. Still a woman can dream. I love to read and I love fashion. I wish that I had some kind of sewing capability however I'm not even sure how to thread the damn thing. I did take a sewing class in Jr. High but I got an F for sewing a button on wrong. Did you know you can sew a button on wrong? Yeah neither did I, as far as I'm concerned the button stayed on so I think that deserves an A. Guess I was wrong.
I've lived a somewhat crazy life. It's had it's moments of insanity but really who hasn't. Mine was just a little bit more extreme than others. I now live a happy but boring life. I'm generally a pretty happy person so why do I call my blog the Bitchy Mommy well because I am! I tell it like it is which usually gets me in trouble. Maybe it's because I have the mouth of a sailor who knows. I'm honest but I'm not out to hurt people's feelings that's never my goal.  I'm sarcastic and clumsy and I enjoy sports and beer. I am a democrat (OH SHIT!), and I believe in standing up for gay rights (the fact that this is still an issue PISSES me off), I'm noisy about what I believe in...probably too noisy but I believe if you don't stand up for what you believe in most then why bother believing in anything at all.  So this is just the tip of the iceberg of what I am and what I believe. I'm sure you will find out ALL kinds of things about me....whether you want to know them or not. Bring on your comments I'm sure I will say some things that you agree with and some things you won't but at least we will have fun....right??
So join me if you will and here we go......